So it’s been a bit of a vampire orgy this week. I started off by watching the beautiful and haunting Swedish number Let The Right One In (half arsed review here) and I have to say it is probably in my top films of the year so far along with Moon, The Wrestler and The Hurt Locker. Let’s just hope they don’t screw up the remake!
So from a brilliantly atmospheric vampire piece, to the hot stinking turd that is LESBIAN VAMPIRE KILLERS. I like vampires, I like lesbians, I also found Gavin and Stacey rather amusing, but that this fat barrel of monkey spunk (the film in general, not just Corden) tried to pass itself off as a ‘comedy/horror’ film is funnier than it’s own pitiful script. I’d rather not go into a full discussion as I may destroy my laptop Office Space fax machine style, but the scene that summed it up for me was as a vampire died (using possibly the worst visual effects the world has seen) she squeezed out a little fart. Yes, it is as funny as it sounds. Corden’s constant squealing further cemented that he HAS to be cast as Ned Beatty’s replacement should a Deliverance remake come about. He has that squeal down to a tee, and let’s face it Burt Reynolds will do anything for a quick buck. Maybe he could be the rapist? Pounding Corden’s ass, a thrust for each excruciating skit he made us sit through during the Horne and Corden show.
James Corden?
So talking of ass pounding, I managed to catch up on two more episodes of HBO’s TRUE BLOOD. I’m starting to get right into this crazy and cool show, with it’s dark humour, violence and of course it’s constant sex, I swear there seems to be more and more sex every week! One of the last episodes I watched there was someone trying to get it on with what appeared to be a gimp mask, at any moment I was expecting Herr Mosley to appear at the door ready for a spank and wank! It turned out not to be a gimp mask though, just the lifeguard from Home and Away acting the goat. Now don’t all shoot me at once (easy now) but there’s something that bothers me about all this sex, I now start wondering who’s going to go at it next! As Anna Paquin’s character Sookie (which sounds like the name of a Vietnamese prostitute) continues to playfully masturbate numerous times, I fear I will sit thinking “Oh yeah she’s gonna get it…No wait, plot development? Fuck off!”. As SONS OF ANARCHY and LIE TO ME (it’s okay to like that, right?) come to an end, I’m happy in the knowledge that there is something to keep me going until something else comes along.
As I often rant about on Twitter, my feud with Love Film continues. They have yet to send me a DVD I actually want, and next up was S. DARKO. Sequels are unnecessary at the best of times, but when i heard about this i was flabbergasted. And yes it is that bad! I’m not actually sure what the point of the film actually was, I don’t think it even had a plot. It also features that utter bell-end Ed Westwick. Anything I see him in he plays a complete knob, with the same constant expression of a smug cat after it’s been tonging it’s asshole while you try and eat dinner. Next i have been sent NEVER SURRENDER which, besides sounding like a Orangemen propaganda film, ‘stars’ a group of MMA fighters including Rampage Jackson and Anderson Silva in an “erotically charged action thriller”. Okay so maybe i put it on my list, but it must have been in the ‘low priority’ section. If I am still alive after watching it, i will tell you how bad it is or you can check out the trailer here.
